


If I Should Not Return

by The_Shy_One



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Kenobi - John Jackson Miller, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi on Tatooine, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29712168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Shy_One/pseuds/The_Shy_One
Summary: Obi-Wan's thoughts spiral during one of the first few days of moving into his new home on Tatooine.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Kudos: 9





	If I Should Not Return

There were no distractions during the night. Nothing to occupy the mind, nothing to keep it from spinning towards the thoughts he’d rather stay away from, shudder, recoil in a way that only the guilty would do. But they would come, in one way or another, reminding him that they existed and weren’t going to leave. They were going to stay for as long as it took, waiting, abiding for the day he finally sat down and looked over them all, went over everything that had to do with them. 

It would take a long time for that to happen. There were so many thoughts, so many things to be guilty about. 

So many thoughts about Anakin, about what he could have done differently to keep Anakin from joining the Dark Side, from slaughtering everyone - even down to the younglings in the crèche, so young and defenceless, not even an enemy for him - as if they were animals. 

He wonders where he went wrong, where he could have stopped Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. If there ever was a single point that would have kept him from falling to the Darkside. 

There were many thoughts about Ashoka and how she had died taking a job that he should have joined. Should have followed her even if it meant giving up the chance to take down Grievous - he should have realized that was a foolhardy mission. Since that’s what Palpatine, Darth Sidious wanted, had planned for when sending Grievous and Obi-Wan to that planet. He should have joined Ashoka in taking down Maul, in convincing Maul they should work together to find Sidious, take the Sith down. 

He might have been able to take on Sidious that way with the way Maul knew his old Master, loathed the man for what he has done in perverting the Sith way for his greed in wanting power, all of it. Obi-Wan didn’t know much about the way of the Sith, but he knew that there was only supposed to be two, a continuous cycle of backstabbing so that the Sith could survive. Sidious didn’t do that, he kept finding new Apprentices, letting them falter to suit his needs, repeating a cycle that only needed to go around once. 

There were also thoughts about Cody. A man who Obi-Wan had come to trust, had come to love over the course of the war. Cody was strong, dependable and soft in the moments that mattered. He might have been created, might not have existed for anything beyond combat in Jango and the Kamoians' eyes all those years ago. But Cody was his own man, with his own wants, desires. Even dreams when he confided to Obi-Wan on the long nights when they held each other. When there were no battles to fight, no strategies to look over for the next one. 

They were small dreams, hardly anything someone who had the privilege to live for more would scoff at. But Obi-Wan knew, he knew how much it would mean to Cody to be his own person, to find something that would support him. Would support Obi-Wan if he chose to leave the Order. These were the dreams of someone who wanted something to themselves, only for themselves. 

They were the most powerful in his eyes. For it was something so small and yet so grand. He would have done everything to help Cody get there, to earn his dreams. 

It crumbled the moment that order was rolled out, the moment Cody heard it. Obi-Wan knew that something was wrong, something wasn’t right when he felt his connection to Cody severe, cut as if Cody had taken a vicroblade to it and sliced it. Obi-Wan didn’t even get a second to wonder what happened before he was being shot at. 

Then he was escaping, never even getting a chance to see that familiar helmet, the colour of orange he’d come to associate with the man one last time. 

Obi-Wan shuts his mind from those thoughts, realizing he was breathing hard, lungs clawing at his throat for air that he was unwittingly denying himself as his thoughts spiralled. Those thoughts hurt, especially when he remembers that for each last memory for each person was hostile, filled with the venom made to tear him apart if he examined them closely. 

He wanted to remember them, honour them even if others wouldn’t for what has happened. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t. It would only serve to pull him apart, weep for those he had once considered close to, had loved once. 

So he shuts away those thoughts, puts them back where they won’t do much harm. 

Even if it feels worse to forget them this way.

**Author's Note:**

> After a few days of my brain not wanting to write, it stuck me in the middle of the night to write this drabble about all the angst that Obi-Wan must be feeling about all the people he thinks is dead or gone from his life. Also doesn't help that I'm currently reading Kenobi, which is fueling the ideas for this drabble. While listening to 10,000 Miles by Mary Carpenter (which one of the lyrics is used as a tile for the fic), so everything is supposed to hurt :')
> 
> Anyway, hopefully, it was a good drabble to read! :'D


End file.
